Missing In Action

I’ve actually lost track as to when I last posted on here. I’ve thought about posting a lot, yet always talked myself out of it….  Part of me was thinking “lets go back to pre blog days” but to be honest that will never happen, pre blog means pre cancer.

This is not saying or implying that I’m stuck and can’t get past or over the whole cancer thing, but its always going to be there. I’ve tried over the past few months to see if life can go back to pre cancer days… this can only last so long before something pops up… whether its something as simple and silly as forgetting to drink enough water and getting dehydrated, or seeing the scars on my body from surgery; through to some pretty complex stuff such as the share panic and dread that sets in when a letter from the hospital arrives with an appointments for a CT scan or bloods.

Its things like that that ping you right back into ‘reality’ and being missing in action doing whatever, wherever loses its carefreeness.

There is always a reminder, but I’m determined that, that’s all its going to be, I have been shaped by my experiences and they are part of my story and I have started to understand more as to where they fit into the next part of my story (they are the prequel for what is to come).

The past few months have been filled with so much…. There has been travel (Australia for work, and America for play); I have started working full time again; I’m (still)  learning to juggle the balance of work, training and family; I did my first ‘public’ talk about my journey (keep posted for a whole blog about that one); and sadly I’ve been too far too many funerals this year.

The next few months hold a lot; I have goals to meet on the bike, I have goals to meet personally and I have goals to meet professionally.

One thing I have learnt and am glad that I have learnt is that if you put your mind to it you can achieve… nothing ever gets handed to you, the harder you work for something the greater the success when you achieve it.

Radioactive girl is no longer missing in action… she is here to stay.

So thank you for coming back to read this post, please keep coming back… the best is yet to come…

RAG x

Just like riding a bike

Life is a funny thing, I think we often take a lot of things for granted. People seem to value monetary items and wealth over wellness and experiences.

Sometimes it’s the little things that we over look so often that are things that are the most valuable and precious. Simple pleasures I guess you could call them.

My simple pleasure… one of the things I value the most (aside from my family and friends of course) is the ability to ride a bike.

Now I know this is something that  may sound pretty horrific to some… the thought of exertion, getting hot and sweaty and grinding away in a mixture of pain and lycra clad horrificness ( I can imagine some of you reading this are smiling and nodding away reading this)… sounds pretty off putting right???

Well wrong…. To me riding a bike is a lot like life… and I think it’s a pretty good metaphor. (*disclaimer… this post is not attempting to convert any non cyclists into buying a bike and slapping on some lycra, but if it makes you feel a little tingly and slightly curious, I take no responsibility…. Just run with it and smile!!)

Anyway.. so what am I on about in terms of talking about life and bikes… have I changed the focus of this blog away from my cancer journey? I may hear you ask yourself… the short answer is NO….

Keep reading, I know you want to ;-)

Riding a bike is as close to flying as I thing you can get whist not having wings…. There is a freedom about getting out, feeling the wind in your face, your heart beating and having a smile on your face… hey isn’t this something we all want to achieve in life… freedom and enjoyment???

Life brings us happieness, choices, freedom, and new experiences… it also brings us change, unpredictability, challenges, fear, and at times can take us all to really shitty places we would rather not be in.
Riding a bike is pretty much the same.. As you know I have talked about riding the 50km Karapoti Mountain bike race which was in March…  this race is not just any race…. I guess its tag line of “more than just a race” stands true.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/dominion-post/news/hutt-valley/77024186/upper-hutt-cyclist-takes-on-karapoti-classic-after-cancer-treatment

For me Karapoti is a good summary of my life since I got diagnosed…. A mixture of hard work, incredibly steep (never ending) up hills, some places where I felt I just wanted to give up, lots of physically and mentally challenging bits, a fear of ‘what next, what could go wrong’, a few places where I got wet feet, an ongoing need to keep pushing myself no matter what, followed by an overall reward of some down hill and the finish line (Hmm that description actually makes it sound somewhat manageable… not sure if I’m talking about my journey or the race!).

I finished Karapoti…. I don’t care what time I did, I don’t care I was second to last, or that I rode most of the way with the tail end charlies (these guys were funny and great company), I don’t care that I yelled/ swore at the woman at one of the second to last aid station who asked if I wanted to give up and get a ride back in the 4WD (like hell was my answer… ummm ok, I may have used another word)…. But I had come far too far to give up just because someone thought I was struggling… struggling isn’t a reason to give up, if anything it a reason to keep moving forward… which I did. Two rules for myself… I wasn’t not allowed to sit or lie down (until the finish line), or go backwards… I had to keep going forward no matter what. What I care about the most is that I finished. I didn’t give up, and I crossed that finish line with my family and friends there to cheer me on…. Just like when I completed my cancer treatment… surrounded by people who invested as much time and trust into me as I did with them. Just like finishing treatment, at the end there was a few tears, not of fear or of pure tiredness, but of joy and completion, these were however masked come race day as having a lot of ‘sweat’ pouring out of a few eyes ;-) it was a very ‘sweaty’ finish line!

 

 

Karapoti (and riding a bike) affords the same amount of respect as life, there are always going to be ‘hick ups’ in life (and races) that show us down, may they be flat tires, broken bike bits, illnesses, unwanted changes… the list goes on. Life is full of changes, very few people will go through life on their initial “plan A” path, things changes, events occur  … we fall in love,  we fall out of love, we discover new interests, we experience life changing events; the same goes for riding a bike… we may set out to ride to one place, but there are always new paths and adventures along the way that will often make us stop, pick some blackberries, pat a horse, watch a waterfall, or just forget the original plan and keep riding with a smile on your face.

I guess one thing that I have discovered since this journey began… is that no matter what path you start off on, being prepared to change course and just go along for the ride, who know where you will end up.

Until next time… keep riding

RAG  x x x

 

Lets party like its 2016!

Well it’s now 2016, shit how did that happen? Time fly’s when you’re having fun ;-)

It’s been a while between blogs, to be brutally honest, I’ve written and then re written new posts so many times in my head that I can’t count how many times I have sat down to physically write something then either drawn a blank or started writing something and ended with it going round and round in circles… I guess that describes perfectly where my head is at times.

I swear at times I need continual circus themed music playing to be the sound track in my head! I guess I blame part of this on the 1. Chemo brain (it’s a great scape goat!), 2. my ongoing anger for cancer – seriously it just make me so pissed off that so many people have to put up with this stupid disease, 3. my promise to myself that I want something positive to come from my journey and I guess finally…. number 4 (If you have ever actually talked to me in person you’ll understand this) I will often have so much going on in my head that it just fly’s out at random times!

So 2016 has officially kicked off, we have now been here for 2 weeks!  Did I make any new years resolutions? Nope!

I promised myself that I wasn’t going to make a list of things to “do” this year… I’m pretty experienced now in the art of “working to plan B or C or even D” to know that nothing ever goes to perfect plan, with that I decided that rather than making a list, I would “just do shit”  (*snort, yep, shit, in connection to the Bowel Cancer thing seems to be a pretty appropriate word to use).

So this year’s first “get shit done” is to start training with the focus of completing the 50km Karipoti Mountain bike race in March…. Watch this space for more details… trust me, I have a feeling this will feature a lot in coming weeks.

My second “get shit done” is going to be trying to increase the awareness of Bowel Cancer… yes, watch this space, this may involve full audience participation, which means you! It also means I need to keep this blog updated on a more regular basis, so stay tuned, hold on tight and get ready to come along on an interesting journey.

 

So on that note, thanks for reading this post, for finding this blog and for coming back.

Stay tuned…  RAG is back  x

Trust me I know what I'm doing....

Famous last words, followed by.. hmm what could possibly go wrong?

Trust is a funny thing, you either trust something (or someone) or you don't. For me there is very little middle ground... its either one or the other. I have to admit the concept of having trust in my body is not something I had ever really thought about until it started letting me down... I trusted it to be healthy and it let me down by getting cancer.

It seems a silly thing to come out with, but that's how I feel. Until recently I had limited trust in my body, I feel that it really let me down. How do I start trusting something that I feel really let me down???

Drum roll please.......
 you guessed it.... I rode my bike... a lot, and I pushed myself.

Rewind 12 months..... on November the 5th 2014 I had my first surgery - to remove my tumour and to 'technically' make me cancer free... yep, its been 12 months - shit doesn't time fly when your having fun!

I must have been out of surgery and recovering in my 'suite' at the hotel Hutt when I had a couple of visitors one day....  I'm going to blame the outcome of the conversation on the large quantity of drugs I was on. These two friends placed some faith in me, they believed I could do something pretty "big" for the condition I was in at the time and for what I was going to go through in the 6 odd months after. They entered me in a bike race, to take place pretty much 12 months to that day. I agreed. I have to confess, I actually didn't think I would make it. I had no trust in my body and its ability to do this.
So fast forward to last weekend, guess what I did.... I rode that race, it may have only been 25km (including the hill of awesomeness, that I had 'smashed' recently), but I did it. I may not have been fast.... I even had a support rider... my coach, one of the friends who had more trust and belief in me than I did.

My next 'test' was 5 days ago... I rode my Mountain bike in my first 6 hour race since I had been diagnosed (this consists of a set circuit of trails to ride, over and over again until the 6 hours is up, the winner is the person with the most laps over the 6 hours). No team for me, I decided to suck it up and push, so I did it solo... that's right me, myself and I.
I set myself a goal (6 laps), and I beat it (I did 8). Its funny, I came 11th out of 11 solo riders, usually I'd feel a bit shit about being the last (yes, I know someone has to be last.. blah blah  blah), but you know this time, I didn't care, in my eyes I won. I won my battle with trust, its slowly getting earned back.. my body may have taken a bit of a beating, but nothing bad happened, and I beat my goal.
It hurt, both physically and mentally, but compared to cancer and chemo, it was nothing. Knowing that my body was able to do it was a biggie for me.

  

 

Does my bum look big in this?

Trust... I don't have full trust in my body, but slowly (just like my riding speed), I'm pushing the boundaries and seeing what happens.



"Strength doesn't come from what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you thought you couldn't"

RAG x x x

Always listen to your Mum

Its been over a month since I last posted.... I actually feel like I'm in a confessional.

My lack of posting hasn't been for not wanting to, in fact I have drafted several posts, all of which have never made it as far as me pushing the "publish" button for one reason or another.

A lot has happened since my last post, there have been a family holiday; profound moments such as riding alone in a forest during a storm; my first MRI since finishing treatment; my birthday... and the list can go on.
Whilst I could start writing about any of the things I have mentioned, todays post is about this blog, and how it began.

When I was first diagnosed one of the hardest things I had to do was tell my Mum; coming from a family which consisted  of just her and me, this was a biggie, I wasn't the youngest child or the oldest child in the family, I was the only.
Somehow during either my first phone call to her (yes I had to tell her over the phone, we live in different parts of the country) or the second... she said she thought I should get a diary and write. I cant recall her exact words (I don't actually remember a lot of details relating to any conversations around that time!), but she was adamant that one day I might want to go back to my diary and either write a book, or use the content to help others.
Well, I have to confess, I did buy a book.... I never really wrote in it. I decided that I would start this blog. Initially it was a way for me to get what was in my head out so that I wasn't brewing stuff I shouldn't have been, plus it was a good way of keeping people updated with what was going on, I was a little over telling people every detail on a regular basis.

Fast-forward to this last week, I was telling my Mum that my blog has been featured on the Bowel Cancer NZ facebook page, and that I had gotten some really awesome feedback about my blog and a few emails from people either starting their cancer journey or currently going through it that had stated they found it helpful and insightful.... my mothers response to hearing this.... in a very proud voice "I can say it now, didn't think it would happen this early, but I told you so" .
Four words no one ever wants to hear from a parent (correction, anything relating to your parents sex life rates as a list topper!), "I told you so", and what's worse, she was right. As weird as I feel sometimes about people reading my blog, and these words right now, I am really glad that what I write might be useful to someone.

So on that note, thank you for reading and following... I have lots in my head still to come out, so keep reading, and watch this space... I'll even start posting more photos (just to keep things interesting!).


Until next time
Thank you

RAG x x x

Suck it up sunshine

Ok, so its been a few weeks since my last post. opps.

What have I been up too…. Bikes and hills would be the simple answer.

The last few weeks have been about me looking what I can do without overloading the fatigue see-saw. There is a fine line between balance and the wheels falling off… I’m still learning but am getting a lot better at looking after myself.

Before I was diagnosed I can now reflect that I was a bit of a whimp when it came to pushing myself at times… mind you at the time I wouldn’t have said that. But there are little things I think back on and I am now challenging myself on them (what’s the worst thing that could happen???).

One big thing was around riding hills, something I used to try and avoid unless I really had to do it. I’m now making this a mission to challenge, and push through this previously self-imposed barrier of “this is too hard”. What the last 13 odd months has taught me is that there are harder things in life I have had to deal with and challenge myself with, all of which I have done, and survived. So I can do this.

Whilst I’ve generally been a pretty motivated and positive person previously, my outlook has changed and I feel stronger and more confident in my abilities (If I can do chemo, radio, surgery and Cancer I can do anything I put my mind to).

So with all this in tow, I have been trying to ride a varying assortment of hills to push this, and I have successfully completed all the challenges I have set for myself, it has been tough, but as I keep chanting various mantras whilst slogging up the hills (I may add very slowly is my top speed!)… “Suck it up sunshine”, “this is not as tough as treatment” and “I will not let cancer win”, (and a few others with some quite "choice" words that I cant say as my Mother is reading this)  I can now tick off some hills I would have either avoided or complained loudly about previously. I am proud of myself and my body for doing this (learning to trust my body is something I am still working on, but its holding together well…. And this is a story for another day).

To do this I have to say I have had some amazing support from my pretty cool group of friends and super amazing partner (Sorry this is about as sappy as I get) and family. They have come riding with me, kept me company, ridden repeats up hills whilst I keep slogging along to get up just once, they have challenged me and looked after me. I am more than grateful for this.

 I leave this post with some photos of my latest adventures

There was sleet, rain and mud... and I made it to the top for the first time in over a year

 

 

 

At the top of Wainui looking over Wellington!

Weeeeeeeee... looks like I'm jumping over a large bottle cap!  

Cyclocross bike fun on new single track.

 

 

 

At the top of Blue Mountains Road... made it to the top.... this is what I used to call the "Mountain of stupidity" which I finally rode and made it the "hill of awesomeness"  

 

Thank you for reading again, stay tuned for more adventures and potential madness and mayhem.

 

Stay strong and true to yourself

RAG x

You can stick your membership card and renewal form

Clubs… pretty much everyone has been a part of a club at some stage in their life, whether it’s a cycle, rugby, book or shoppers club, the choice to join or leave the club is generally free and at your own discretion.
I personally have a fair few membership cards, my wallet is overflowing with coffee club, VIP shoppers cards. One club I didn’t sign up for was the cancer club.

This club is one you really don’t want to voluntary sign up for, its generally free, the merchandise sucks and they don’t hold great Christmas parties…. Ohhh and the only free coffees you get generally come with a side dose of Chemo….. It’s a pretty shit club.

Sadly 1 in 3 people in New Zealand have some association with this club.  It’s a club that once you have joined (like it or not), that you will forever have some link to it whether you like it or not.
This week is daffodil week (Friday is Daffodil day), a week that is the annual fundraiser for the NZ cancer society. For me this week means acknowledgement, not just of a particular cancer but acknowledgement about cancer itself, how it affects everyone - and not just the person with the cancer. It’s about families and friends, they too are forced to be part of the cancer club as well.
This last two weeks has also marked the start of my journey of post cancer scanning and checking, I’ve had my bloods done and my markers are still showing that I’m in normal  levels (yes, people I have a piece of paper to say I’m actually “normal”!... I know I’m confused, and slightly amused as well!!) – they have dropped to 0.7 from the 1.0 they were a few months ago… I’m quite happy with the dropping of numbers – that’s a good thing!

Being part of the cancer club means that even though I’ve finished my treatment and no longer have cancer, I still need to be regularly checked, for the next 3 years I will have scans, tests, exams and bloods done every 6 months,  then after 3 years I go to yearly checks for the next 3 years.  So even though it’s gone physically, I’m reminded constantly that it can come back (although my odds are pretty good that it won’t), it’s kind of like a ghost dog (this will be another post for another day)… lurking in the darkness….  I’ve done my dog training, I’m pretty good at it, so it should beware if it thinks about stepping over the line.

I’ve decided that whilst I don’t have a choice regrading being part of this club, I will still express my displeasure at being part of it… “cancer club” …. you can stick your membership card and renewal form!

 So please support Daffodil day, buy a  daffodil, dress in yellow, paint your nails yellow .... show your support for someone in the cancer club.

 

Thank you ......

RAG x x x